Conquering My Fear and Anger
This article covers how I figured out the single key thing that caused all of my Fear and Anger.
(Well really it was my wife that did it)
But I’ll try to back fill the process to figuring out the root cause - I sincerely hope it helps someone, as the feeling that I had once I made the cognitive realization was stunning.
I think what I’d like to highlight that the cause of my Fear and Anger is a single identifiyable thing. Not some amorphous soup of complexity and nuance.
A. Single. Thing
That when you identify and overlay against each occurance of historic Fear and Anger, perfectly explains why I felt that way.
I have an intrinsic bias to always wanting to see the world through black and white and through systems, so this made me very happy.
Obviously we are all psychologically different and we have different backgrounds so your key thing may be different.
Background
An trait that I’ve always advocated for within my family is being extrinsically predictable and linear. Not unhinged, not unpreditable, not overwhelmed by emotion.
But do I feel things? Yes - of course.
The trigger for my lamentation was a powerful bout of Anger.
I was working at a new Job. I work hard. Mentally, I had set the stage. I had set ther terms and conditions for the next few years to be “chill”. Collect a pay check, work from home, do a good job and leave enough mental room to think beyond the 9-5 grind.
However, another worker decided to go full blast with throughput - making everyone else look supurflous. He took my ideas (I have a lot of them), that only he had known and made them happen, then took credit for it.
Rage level 9.
The rage didn’t subside. My body, my heart rate, my blood pressure - constant.
Reflection
I had one of those pouring out verbally to my wife of all the things. A jumbled pile of things thrown on the table in front of her. Hoping that she had some magical card up her sleeve to help me magically sort this pile of information into a single answer.
Astonishingly, she did.
She had picked up on that I had wanted to control the Job by setting the terms of engagement. Me being chill for a few years before retirment. However the other employee trashed that idea with his actions.
Loss of control.
When I overlay Control over every Fear/Anger scenario It literally covers them all - which I think is unituitive and quite astonishing. Each and every of 20 memorable scenarios.
Emotional Reaction
Solving the Fear and Anger issues is particulary elusive, however one can apply some approaches to help.
The primary feedback mechanism I used was Emotion - Fear and Anger. Note these they are key clues to solving your key perogative.
Physical Reaction
Waking up in the middle of the night, Blood pressure, heart rate, anxiety, loss of focus.
These physical traits will alert you when you are deviating from your perogative.
Similarly, once solved - the inverse of them. Calmness, slow heart rate, shallow breathing.
Repeated Conflicts
If you have the same loops occur through your life. For example you keep leaving jobs or there is a period of stability then erruption. Or with relationships - repeated negative outcomes.
Repetative Thoughts
Any thoughts cycling past your mind short term or long term are indicators that you are deviating from your perogative.
Strong Value Reactions
Strong alliance with or repulsion from for key Values around you. You see something and feel a strong draw to or distaste from.
Moral Intensity
Morals that you agree with feel stronger and more poignant.
Self Diagnosis and Treatment
I would start with writing down all of your episodes of Anger and Fear.
Then read up on Self Determination Theory (SDT) - Edward Deci and Richard Ryan (3 Core Types), as well as Schema Therapy - Jeffery Young (18 schemas and 5 domains).
Next identify traits that you most resonate with and go through your list of Anger and Fear occurances to see whether they marry.
If you identify a perogative from either of these models, you can then work to shape your future based off this knowledge.
Listen for body tension - you are deviating from your perogative.
Pre-plan future actions if they are atypical based off your perogative.
Take steps to mitigate deviating from your perogative based off things you have control over.
For example for me and my perogative of Control:
I like to keep a low profile - I dress shabby. I lurk in the background.
Given my new realization of my perogative of being Control - I keep information close to me and don’t broadcast information. (Except here - for you guys :) )
I also am keenly aware that for my absolute need for Control - there is a Locus of Control - things that you can and can’t control.
I now actively practice allowing in things that annoy me that are further out on my ability to control, to build up resiliance and tollerance. As well as actively shaping and being cognizant in things that I do have a high degree of control over.