Providing value and entering flow state
This post catalogs my boy, how he psyched himself out in a high pressure, performance situation and how I coached him through it using techniques that I have developed in over two decades of being a working professional.
Overview
🥳Why most outcomes are good and one is bad
🦸♂️What is Providing Value
🧙Flow State how to enter and exit
This week my boy got called up to play a Soccer 1st tier game for the team a year older than him.
He had done this nonchalantly in the past many times. Playing up a year, he is now playing with older boys who are now hitting puberty; getting taller and stronger every minute. Booming shouts, stinky onion smells, screechy exclamations.
There is a huge difference in presence and ability between someone pumped with Human Growth Hormone, Testosterone and my boy - right now. In a year this will normalize out, he will be the same, but for right now you might say he is a “bit out of his league”.
My boy is a well rounded character with mild temperament. Hopefully something he has absorbed from me.
I strive to be a linear and rational character. Where the opposite of that would be a non-linear and irrational character. Linear in math would be if you had a chart it would move in a straight line, perhaps up and to the right. If I gave you a value for y, you could predict x with perfect accuracy. Being a predictable character gives people around you a predictable interface to work with. No one likes being in a normal, calm situation then the person you are with blows up, unexpectedly. It makes future outcomes harder to predict.
As we approach the field his eyes darting left and right, neck spinning 180 to investigate the boys as we drive past. Saying their names, recognizing them from previous academy sessions. “Ben and Adam are here” - referring to the twins with fantastic chemistry, DNA intertwined passing abilities and second to none footwork.
His voice in the car becoming more noticeable. His voice sounded somewhat negative, pessimistic.
Me, immediately recognizing the conversation was not elevated and encouraging, took steps to re-direct him on positivity. But in this situation, last minute words were not enough. Internalization, cognitive understanding are required.
There is a real difference between hearing something and understanding something. The two are somewhat like getting admission to a theme park with a ticket but once in the theme park, you don’t get onto a ride. It’s a two stage thing.
Fast forward - he played the game and you guessed it. His performance and actions were very, very weak. Being timid, he would pass the ball back to the Goalkeeper whenever it came to him, causing multiple dangerous situations. He survived the game but I realized he had some things to learn and that is OK. After all I’m a father, deep thinker whose life goal is to help people. You’re in good hands my boy.
3 possible outcomes
There are three possible outcomes from doing something - lets look at the game as an example.
Firstly if you play great in the game - that’s a win - plain and simple. Having wins will move you forward in life.
The second situation is you play poorly in the game. That’s bad isn’t it? You don’t move forward in life after all. No - On a poor outcome, you get given a lesson to be learned. If you learn a lesson, it stands to reason that this situation will not occur again. Therefore a win. You move forward in life. Your skills and ability enhance and you can play at the next level.
Yes, there is pain with the loss and learning a lesson. The greater the pain the greater the neurological feedback loop course correction that gets broadcast. Neural Substrates of reinforcement learning such as Anterior Cingulate Cortex, Prefrontal Cortex, Basal Ganglia, Amygdala, Insula, Dopaminergic System all work to adjust behavior based off our senses. The greater the feedback, in theory the greater the course correction. Sometimes large cognitive pain, regret is required for a behavioral adjustment to be noticed and implemented.
The third scenario is you failed, there is a lesson to be learned (this is a gift by the way) AND YOU IGNORE THE LESSON. This means you will repeat the mistake over and over. This is the only scenario you can truly fail.
2 out of 3 scenarios are good (66% of outcomes are good). Don’t choose the third scenario.
Reflecting on his lack of performance due to the incorrect mental model present as he entered the game - he failed his task but was afforded a lesson or an opportunity to change. Let’s analyze how he could change so that in the future he doesn’t repeat this mistake.
Providing Value
The way I have found to wade in, fists swinging (I’m non-violent) into a situation - any situation - without fear is as follows.
A tool that I learned early on in my career was something that I call Providing Value.
This is where you focus on the person you are working for. In this case, my son is a hired gun for his coach. He is working for his coach. Providing value means visualizing and straight out asking what would make the Coach the happiest person on earth? It means focusing and trying to make that person the happiest person on earth. Providing value means selflessly focusing on someone else that you are working for and giving it your all to fully understand what would make them the happiest person on the plant and slipping into flow state to achieve it.
Flow State
Flow state is where you don’t exist, your conscious doesn’t exist and you don’t think about what other people think about you. Your focus, creativity, soul is connected to the task at hand. Flow state is interrupted when you become conscious of what you perceive other conscious are thinking about you.
Simple as that.
Coaching my son
After the game where he played badly I spent 4 independent times with him talking to him about providing value. Focusing on his coach and making him happy and not being as selfish as to think about himself. Framing situations in that manner such as not being selfish handrail you into a thinking state where you aren’t the first port of call in thoughts.
After my attempts at communicating these “meta” concepts to an 11 year old, he did hit the next game with more confidence and was far more relaxed. In fact he has played up again a number of times, providing that value.
I’d like to think it impacted him. Like all important abilities, Providing Value is a muscle that you have to keep on exercising to be good at it. It is important to keep focusing on what is value and how do you provide it to people that you choose to work for.
Keep in mind your deliberate choice of choosing to work for someone was driven by you. You are in control.
Recap
So to recap, to hit the success scenario (where you win) each time, focus on who you are there to serve, hyper focus on Providing Value for them. Fully ask, internalize visualize, about that person you are working for and what would make them over the moon with happiness. What does it look like from their point of view?
Become selfless, ego free. You don’t exist and your purpose is to yield value for the person.
Doing so means you slip into flow state. Your conscious is unaware of any other conscious (apparently this word has no plural).
Being in flow state you perform at your best giving the best chance to the win state.
Mental modelling is very powerful and has huge real world impact. It is not silly and in fact a necessary tool for performance. Positive, negative visualization are key tooling in a maintaining calm, productive life that increases in capacity and outcome.
There is also visualization for a scenario and a long term goal. I found this interesting video recently which I thought was good - shared below.
I’ve used the technique described above of visualizing being placed here to help someone in their situation to win job after job after job. It has contributed to millions of dollars of wealth for me.
Check out The Tuttle Twins Kids books - YourLastLife approved children’s education!